[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Good morning, a spider鈥檚 favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
5: Mommy, you鈥檙e a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She鈥檚 always been that way.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it鈥檚 for me.
Apparently it鈥檚 weird that I鈥檝e had 9 birthdays this year.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.