feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Planet of the Apps.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.