I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I know
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
crazy
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.