*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
reviewed some movies recently
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.