Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.