If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
You Might Also Like
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Flock of bats
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you