* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose