[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.