Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.