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there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
when someone rings the doorbell
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness