Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
(Musicians.)
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention