Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
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A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me buying fruit and veg
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My loaf of bread looks terrified
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious