My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.