Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.