When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.