I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess