I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.