Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
my fav colour is also hitler
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I already tried new things thanks.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog