[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
But I really needed water water water
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
…..pretty much.