2022: I can fix it
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
*limbos away from your hug*
Sunday
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you