Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You Might Also Like
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
nyc:
Not today.. 😂
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I am crying
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”