The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.