Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.