This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
When you kidnap a writer.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE