#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
How wrong was this guy?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.