I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.