Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
calling in to work dehydrated
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Always 🥴
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!