You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.