FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Writing, She Murdered.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.