actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.