Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
when mom throws a party…
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…