I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.