Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Attacked by a mop.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*