“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking