If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
New mindset, who dis?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Cause of death: Zumba
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out