Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms