Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My blood type is coffee.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time