“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
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“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
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Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably