My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Smile Twitter, Smile.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.