Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Finally, a door that understands me
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.