friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron