“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
adding to the discourse
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.