My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.