me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17