First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
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I triple waxed for this?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
mood
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.