2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions