The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.