My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what