Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
i was baptized in a car wash
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
🙅🏻
Cha-ching is my safe word
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like