Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Lmao the reply
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Science memes
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?